He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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