I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
