I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Congratulations! We have a period
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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