How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
