I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
