I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
