i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
