it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
