You smell like stripper and shame
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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