4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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