i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I am one with the molecules
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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