my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
