You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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