We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
