She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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