did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
