My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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