WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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