Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
