sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How does it feel to date your dad?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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