Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
