I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
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