she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
