I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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