she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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