did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
