my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
