Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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