How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
