i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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