my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
