oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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