She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
