So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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