I accidentally burped into my bong.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
