It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
