If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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