Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
