I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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