I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
