the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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