Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
