you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize