Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize