Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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