I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
