god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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