my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
