i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
