I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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