Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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