I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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