All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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