Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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