i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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