She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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