i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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