how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize