Farmville is her only friend.
Sober January is a disaster.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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