if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
