i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
