I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
i think my cat just said my name.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
