From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
